Somewhere in The Middle.

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who you're making me
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender
'Cause I'm losing all control

Have you ever given great notice to the fact that Jesus Christ has always been a completely sell-out kind of dude? Because I never did before. But, you can't read the gospels and specifically the callings of each of the disciples without it finally clicking. "Oh! ...So when he said sell everything and leave everyone and follow me, he actually meant sell everything and leave everyone and follow me. I would've never guessed!"
Sometimes my selective comprehension or just pure stupidity amazes me.
Of course, it might not have ever hit me what the cost of being in a relationship with Jesus would be like, because until now, I've never been open to knowing. Now, I can't read my Bible for longer than ten minutes, or pray for longer than two, without getting very, very uncomfortable. It never used to be like this! Since when did He become so demanding? But then, something else hits me, an actual profound thought among all my stupidity and selective comprehension, "Yes, He is demanding a lot of me; He's demanding my life. That's His right, though, since I gave it to Him years ago..." When we accept the Lord into our hearts, we pray that He will forgive us our trespasses and that He would take our life--it's our sacrifice to Him.
But now I see, my sacrifice isn't on the altar before my God, it's in my open palms...which are not stretched out towards heaven, no, more like pulled close to my sides as I try to turn and put my body in between God and my life.
If it it not all His, is any of it at all?
Thanks to Romania, I learned that my relationship with Christ isn't supposed to be all comfortable and feel-goody. Oh no. Apparently it's supposed to be all consuming and very uncomfortable. And at first, that revelation blew my mind and excited me. Until the inspiration required some action. And cue the whining starts, "God, are you sure that you want to ask that of me? I mean, it's harmless! You don't need to overreact here."
If it distracts you and keeps you from Me, then it's not harmless.
"But, but...I want this!"
And I want it, too! Now, give it to Me.
I'm stubborn, though. And I can never just do the easy thing; no, I have to fight it. So I do, and soon enough I'm walking hand-in-hand with that "thing" I'm unwilling to give up, just pretending to be oblivious of my Father's obvious hurt and displeasure.
What is it in me that wants to be called, but doesn't want to answer? What is it in me, that can begin something with such zeal and passion, but then somewhere in the middle, burn out, become bored, and then discard the entire thing?
Will I always be caught in the middle?

Lord, I feel You in this place
And I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights
When I am caught in the the middle
Caught in the middle

Always,
Betsie