A Time To Be Found

I recently played a part in a theatrical version of Peter Pan. I was Tinkerbell, a little girl's dream role. (Or a fifteen year old girl's dream role, too...) I was a part of a beautiful and--surprisingly for the drama department--undramatic cast, who all wrote me letters of encouragement for me to read every day while I'm here in Thailand. Reading these and the letters that my other friends, family members, and church family wrote has become the highlight of my days. Some nights I'll stay up till midnight just so I can go ahead and open a new one, guilt free.
Last night was no exception. It was a letter written from one of the Lost Boys (actually played by a girl, believe it or not) in Peter Pan. Among all the words of encouragement, she quoted Tinkerbell, my character. Now, Tink has two defining and memorable lines. The first, "You silly ass!" And then the second is an indifferent retort to an insult that Wendy flung at her. "Tink is an abandoned, poor little creature!" Tinkerbell's haughty reply? "I know I am! And like a true woman, I glory in it!" The writer of the letter reminded me of that last line.
You are an abandoned, poor little creature...and like a true woman...you glory in it! That's what she wrote. A little harsh if you were expecting fluffy promises of vigilant prayer and "you'll do great!"s, but sometimes you need a little more substance than that to comfort your soul. Sometimes you need truth. Harsh truth.
Yes, just like everyone at one time has been or will be, I was once abandoned. Rejected. And I wallowed in it. Oh God, I was abandoned. Every view, every thought I possessed--poof!--changed, transformed, because of one instant, five words. Trust failed. Beauty tainted. I applied that wound to everything, and looked at everything else and everyone out of my wound's eyes, Bitterness. It was rapidly spreading, unchecked and coming up against no resistance, throughout my every limb, my very marrow, my organs, my whole body.
Yes, I was abandoned, and yes, I gloried in it. I chose to stay abandoned. And the Lord knows all this, and He gives me free will. But thankfully blessed Jesus loves me too much to abandon me, even when I want to be. He is whispering daily in my heart, This is a new time. This is a new time. A new season. What season, though? A new time for what? For what, Lord? I have been asking this question, crying it out in desperation to my Father ever since I got here. What season is Thailand? What is it time for? What, what, what? I have spent hours scanning His Written Word, trying to find an answer there since I could not find one in my soul.
And then! Last night; Isaiah, Ecclesiastes, a feeling of a burdened lightened... I saw not through my bitterness, but through the hope of the Lord, and I saw that maybe...just maybe...I knew what season I was in, what time it is...

"Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not
perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert."
-Isaiah 43:18-19

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to
build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time
to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain
from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to
speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven... I finally see it, I finally accept it: Maybe, just maybe it is time for me to be found. Maybe it is the beginning of me finally seeing that I am His beloved. Maybe it is time for me to instead of glory in my self-pity, glory in His unfathomable love.
I am so glad that that Lost Boy reminded me how lost I was without my Father, because until last night, I was completely unaware.