Psalm 92:12-15

Dec. 23rd (Thursday) 2010
8:03 a.m.
My best friend called me last Saturday--which is not unusual at all--to verbally process/rant some newly formed spiritual questions--which is especially not unusual for us. You know in Mark (or is it Luke?), in the garden, when Jesus specifically prays for himself, his disciples, and his the believers? She told me how it made her think, "Why were the disciples and believers separated? Is there a difference between simply believing and following? Does it only take believing to get you to heaven and to have a relationship with Christ, or do you have to follow, too?"
I agreed with her absolutely in her questioningly, but I couldn't really answer her. (She actually thought I might be able to, hah!) Ever since I could comprehend salvation, I've thought that all it required was one prayer proclaiming a belief in God and His ability to forgive and--basically--erase sins. Who cares if it never goes farther than a prayer induced by guilt on the foot of an altar? The Lord is gracious and loving, after all, He would surely accept it and not reject the poor idiot, condemning him to burn eternally in hell. But, but, but then I read in the gospels how if you didn't change the way you thought and lived and EVERYTHING after "becoming a Christian"--for a lack of better words--it didn't count? So like, do some people have to give up everything to follow Jesus and have a personal relationship with him; but then others can just believe, their life not be impacted by their belief at all, and they still get to heaven, too?! I know that's merciless of me, but... That's...not...fair...


5:37 p.m.
But do I REALLY just want to believe? I know that there's so much more out there than ere acknowledgment; don't I want to live it? Do I want to spend my entire life rereading the adventures that are possible once you leave everything to follow Jesus, as accounted by his TRUE disciples? I can pour over them from the safety of a life I'm in control of, but eventually they would grow stale instead of delicious and I would grow to resent these passionate brothers and sisters in Christ.
Don't I, Betsie, want to be passionate instead of just BELIEVE in passion? Don't I want to go, instead of sitting back and observing others with secret jealousy as they go? Do I want to clutch the steering wheel of my life, knuckles white from gripping too hard, TRYING--and fighting--to keep things as normal and road-most-traveled-on without actually swerving into it? Or would it be worth it to let go, allow someone who knows better than I to take control of EVERYTHING and radical up my life?
I'm already losing in the world's eyes because of Him. Maybe it's finally time I accept it, embrace it, and begin winning victories because of Him...

"Righteous people flourish like palm trees
and grow tall like the cedars in Lebanon.
They are planted in the Lord's house.
They blossom in our God's courtyards.
Even when they are old, they still bear fruit.
They are always healthy and fresh.
They make it known that the Lord is decent.
He is my rock.
He is never unfair.
-Psalm 92:12-15

We Were Never Promised Popularity.

Maybe I'm the only one, after all, I can only speak for myself. But was it ridiculously arrogant of me to think that when I truly began to seek God's will for my life, things would get easier? And that I would be happier? And that, oh, I don't know, I would lead like, a million and one people to Christ and have a million and one new bffs? I should have known this was a wrong assumption after reading books like Isaiah and Jeremiah, who were abandoned and rejected because of their passion for the Lord and longing to obey Him. Or even Jesus, the Savior of the world, the only person on earth to live a life of true love and purity, was abandoned...and rejected...and killed. Even Jesus. But I'm not Jesus, and he loves me, so he would never ask me to be alone, right?
Not right, but not exactly right, either.
I will never be alone, because he will always be in my heart. I will never be alone because he is withing everything around me, all around me. I will never be alone because he promised to never forsake or leave me. But he didn't promise me popularity, either, and he only spoke for himself when he said he would never leave me. But he didn't promise me I would be mobbed with friends, either. He promised me unlike many of my peers, filled with more than just beer keg parties and late-night clubbing, but he didn't promise that I would never spend a Friday night at home (or two, or three). Maybe he never promised me these things because he wants me to spend my Friday nights with him, I don't know.
I do know, though, that he never promised me popularity. Just himself.